Now
It was around this time of year, in 1994, that Phil first started showing symptoms from the thing which eventually led to his death. He was permenantly tired, didn't want to eat much, sweated far more then he used to. Throughout it al, he never stopped being the man I married. Sweet, sexy, romantic, loving, gentle, caring, generous. Even though he was in pain.
When I look back on that time, I feel I should have seen more of what was happening. I should have pushed him to find out exactly what was going on. How much pain he was in. I dont know that it would have made any difference. But I cant help but feel like I let him down. I know it was the medical proffession that let him down the most. With them it was a case of wave away the smoke, dont bother about putting the fire out! I mean, how the hell can you mistake a huge ulcer for adult colic!!!
I am dreaming more and more of Phil. This happens every year around now. And if things go as normal, I will dream about the night he died ON that night. I will see the entire night happening again. From me making the extra trip to the hospital with our daughter, just because I couldn't get the thought out of my head, through to getting the phone call to get to the hospital quickly. Right up to being told by the doctor that Phil was dead. My darling Phil. When I was told that, I turned round and hit the wall with my fist, so hard I actually split the skin over my knuckles. I had blood dripping from my hand but no one noticed. I didn't notice until I got in my car to drive away from the hospital. I will wake up with an intense feeling of loss. Even after 11 years the feeling is still exactly the same. So, I will wake Clive, and I will get him to just hold me. He will let me cry. He wont say anything. We go through this every year.
I am going to try to get back to Stoke on the anniversary of his death, to visit the crematorium and leave flowers. It's what I like to do. Phil insisted he wanted to be cremated so that I wouldn't have a grave to look after. But I almost wish I had gone against his wishes. And yet I know that it would have been harder for me to leave Stoke and move up here to Blackpool if I had. I would not have been able to leave his grave.
The move here has been the best thing I could have done. I know Phil would have approved. For one thing, he loved bringing me, and the kids, to Blackpool. He was like a big kid, wanting to see the lights. I will never stop loving Phil. But I have Clive in my heart too. And Clive is here, now, real. He is the one I reach for in the night. He is the one I tell all my troubles to. But Phil will always be part of my life. Always.
When I look back on that time, I feel I should have seen more of what was happening. I should have pushed him to find out exactly what was going on. How much pain he was in. I dont know that it would have made any difference. But I cant help but feel like I let him down. I know it was the medical proffession that let him down the most. With them it was a case of wave away the smoke, dont bother about putting the fire out! I mean, how the hell can you mistake a huge ulcer for adult colic!!!
I am dreaming more and more of Phil. This happens every year around now. And if things go as normal, I will dream about the night he died ON that night. I will see the entire night happening again. From me making the extra trip to the hospital with our daughter, just because I couldn't get the thought out of my head, through to getting the phone call to get to the hospital quickly. Right up to being told by the doctor that Phil was dead. My darling Phil. When I was told that, I turned round and hit the wall with my fist, so hard I actually split the skin over my knuckles. I had blood dripping from my hand but no one noticed. I didn't notice until I got in my car to drive away from the hospital. I will wake up with an intense feeling of loss. Even after 11 years the feeling is still exactly the same. So, I will wake Clive, and I will get him to just hold me. He will let me cry. He wont say anything. We go through this every year.
I am going to try to get back to Stoke on the anniversary of his death, to visit the crematorium and leave flowers. It's what I like to do. Phil insisted he wanted to be cremated so that I wouldn't have a grave to look after. But I almost wish I had gone against his wishes. And yet I know that it would have been harder for me to leave Stoke and move up here to Blackpool if I had. I would not have been able to leave his grave.
The move here has been the best thing I could have done. I know Phil would have approved. For one thing, he loved bringing me, and the kids, to Blackpool. He was like a big kid, wanting to see the lights. I will never stop loving Phil. But I have Clive in my heart too. And Clive is here, now, real. He is the one I reach for in the night. He is the one I tell all my troubles to. But Phil will always be part of my life. Always.
posted by tazfan | 4/05/2006 11:25:00 am
5 Comments:
Hi. I can sense how you love your husband so much....
I will feature photos on my site...wanna share some of yours? :)
My best and dearest friend, forever and always, killed himself in a gruesome a year ago this past Monday. He will ALWAYS be my soul mate. I was actually the last person that he tried to call, but I was in the middle of talking to my sister on the phone and missed it. I will never forgive myself for it. I ended up getting trashed this past Sunday evening and calling his mom to talk.
You take care,
ariK
I can never imagine this kind of loss. This is by far the saddest blog out there. I like how you want ot remember him this way and share your thoughts with everyone out there. It probably makes it easier for others who have suffered similar losses.
As time goes on, I hope you still remember him but move on in your own way.
What a beautiful testament to your love with Phil. I found you by chance from blogmad, and your blog is so touching and heart-felt. What a lucky woman you have loved two men deeply. I'm sorry though you lost your Phil in the physical. I do believe the spirit lives on, and for whatever it's worth, he's still with you and visiting in your dreams.
I found you via blogmad too, and felt compelled comment. I think your blog is intensely personal and genuine--a worthy read.
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