Life with Phil

Life was never dull with Phil around. We lived by few rules. But rule number one was "have fun". We laughed a lot, always. I wanted nothing more then to please Phil. If he was happy, then so was I. We didn't have much money, but that didn't seem to matter. We didn't need much as long as we had each other. We lived for each other, and the kids, and the dogs. Nothing else mattered. Life wasn't easy. But I always knew we would make it as long as I had Phil by my side.
When Phil was married to his first wife, Hazel, he was in the army. He was stationed in many places. But one he loved was Malta. He always wanted to go back. I promised that, if there was ANY way, we would go. I had an accident due to a poorly maintained road, and managed to get some compensation out of the local council. With that money I took Phil back to Malta. We went with some friends.I know it bought back memories for him. His first son, Andrew, was conceived in Malta. The following video is made from photos taken in Malta, and just after we got back from Malta. There are also some odd shots in it that you have seen before. But I hope to convey just how much I love Phil. Even now. The video is quite long. But I hope you will watch it all the way through. Also, please listen to the music. It means something. The first song, unchained melody was a song Phil used to sing to me, with his sweet baritone voice. I loved him singing. I could listen for ages.

Okay

I think I can go on now. I had a good cry. A REALLY good cry.


Phil was always great with kids. This pic is with one of my nephews. He hadn't stopped crying all day. He just wanted his Uncle Phip. All kids loved Phil. In fact I think EVERYONE loved Phil. I know I did.

Phil loved animals too. Here he is with Saab. One of our old German Shepherds.

Phil accepted my kids like they were his own. In fact, if anyone said he wasn't their dad he would have a real argument with them. He had kids of his own too. Phil had been married twice before. Was still married to his second wife when we met. But he didn't love her. Stayed with her just because the kids were there. His first wife commited sucide. Phil was in the army. Hazel couldn't cope with it all. But instead of talking to someone about it she killed herself and their youngest son, Kenny. Phil blamed himself. He loved Hazel. Always would. I accepted that. He married Connie on the rebound. Actually, Connie forced him really. He was in no state to think. She made all the arrangements and then turned up with him and told him he was marrying her. He did it for an easy life. Connie was almost evil. Ask her own kids. They would tell you. Not one of them went to her funeral when she died.

Phil would do anything for his kids. ANYTHING. I love that man so much.


Anyway, after a few years, when he got his divorce froem Connie we got married.



That his mother, May, and my mother, The Dragon.

No good. I cant write any more yet.

The beginning

I suppose I had better tell you it all. Right from the beginning. If I miss anything out I will feel wrong.

I used to see a married cab driver called Steve. I didn't know he was married when I first started to see him. And by the time I found out it was too late. Thats him. In the light suit.


He was a friend too. I only started seeing him because I was so lonely. He made me feel worth something again. Not much, but something.

Anyway. He used to pick me up whenever I needed a cab anywhere. I phoned him one evening and he said he couldn't pick me up, but he would send someone he could rely on. Someone he trusted. I waited. A cab pulled up outside. I got in. The driver asked me where I was going. I told him my home address. We started talking. He told me that Steve had told him a little about me. He asked if I was okay. I told him I wasn't really. I was feeling down. The trip to my house took maybe ten minutes. When we got outside my house we were still talking. I dont know why. I felt really comfortable with this guy. I thought it was maybe because Steve had sent him. I knew I was safe. But I felt something more. I didn't WANT to get out of the cab. And I knew he didn't want me to get out either. So we sat and talked. I cant remember what we talked about. Nothing and something I guess. But, six hours later I asked this guy if he wanted a coffee. He said okay. I took him into my house and made him a drink. EIGHT hours after that he said he better go. We had just been talking. I asked him if he had to go. He said to me "If I stay now, I stay forever". And he did. We were never apart until the week he died, and when my stepfather died and I had to go help my mother. For 14 years we were together. That was my Phil. This was Phil.

This photo was taken a few days before he died. He had bought Tippi for me a few weeks before. Thats Tippi as a pup, laying there on the chair with him.
Oh god. I am crying. Crying so hard I think my heart will burst. I miss Phil so much. It feels like someone is skinning me alive. Phil was so much a part of me. We were inseperable. We loved to be together. Just being in each others company was enough.

I have to take a break.

Phil.

I need to tell you all about my Phip. How much I love him. How much I miss him. How we met. Everything. This may be a long and boring blog to some, but to me, well, I dont know. I just know I need to do it. I really do. I dont know how long it will even take me to start. But I t will be today sometime. I just have to stop crying long enough so I can actually see what I am typing. Bear with me for now. Please.