Understanding

I had a comment from Omni to my last post. Thank you for your comment.

Omni said...

You need to do 2 things right away:

1) Delete this blog before Clive finds it.

2) Accept that you're obsessed with Phil's memory and get some therapy to help you overcome this before it consumes your life.

Isn't that what Phil would have told you to do?

xo

Firstly, I don't understand why you think I should hide my blog from Clive. He reads all my blogs, and sometimes even helps me write them. We have no secrets. Secondly, My life is not consumed by Phils memory. Yes, I think about him every day. But that is not all I think about. I certainly don't spend my entire day thinking of Phil. I don't need to. He will always remain in my heart and my mind. Just as Clive will. As you can see, I don't post in this blog often. Only when I feel I have something to say. Phil would never had wanted me to talk to any member of the medical profession about something which matters so little. And, as it was the medics that killed him by not doing their job properly, I wouldn't trust them to do anything. Phil would also have wanted me to be myself, not be what anyone else thought I should be.

Still as much in love

Each morning, when I wake up, the first thing I do is feel sad. Sad that I am not with Phil. That I lived through another night. Then I remember Clive, and I turn and hug him. Sometimes I wish I could stop feeling the way I do about Phil, but I know I never will. Phil was more to me then I could ever describe. My life was whole with him there, by my side.

I wonder if i will ever feel whole again? Will I ever reach the same level of love with Clive? No matter how much I would like to, I dont think I ever will.

Now

It was around this time of year, in 1994, that Phil first started showing symptoms from the thing which eventually led to his death. He was permenantly tired, didn't want to eat much, sweated far more then he used to. Throughout it al, he never stopped being the man I married. Sweet, sexy, romantic, loving, gentle, caring, generous. Even though he was in pain.

When I look back on that time, I feel I should have seen more of what was happening. I should have pushed him to find out exactly what was going on. How much pain he was in. I dont know that it would have made any difference. But I cant help but feel like I let him down. I know it was the medical proffession that let him down the most. With them it was a case of wave away the smoke, dont bother about putting the fire out! I mean, how the hell can you mistake a huge ulcer for adult colic!!!

I am dreaming more and more of Phil. This happens every year around now. And if things go as normal, I will dream about the night he died ON that night. I will see the entire night happening again. From me making the extra trip to the hospital with our daughter, just because I couldn't get the thought out of my head, through to getting the phone call to get to the hospital quickly. Right up to being told by the doctor that Phil was dead. My darling Phil. When I was told that, I turned round and hit the wall with my fist, so hard I actually split the skin over my knuckles. I had blood dripping from my hand but no one noticed. I didn't notice until I got in my car to drive away from the hospital. I will wake up with an intense feeling of loss. Even after 11 years the feeling is still exactly the same. So, I will wake Clive, and I will get him to just hold me. He will let me cry. He wont say anything. We go through this every year.

I am going to try to get back to Stoke on the anniversary of his death, to visit the crematorium and leave flowers. It's what I like to do. Phil insisted he wanted to be cremated so that I wouldn't have a grave to look after. But I almost wish I had gone against his wishes. And yet I know that it would have been harder for me to leave Stoke and move up here to Blackpool if I had. I would not have been able to leave his grave.

The move here has been the best thing I could have done. I know Phil would have approved. For one thing, he loved bringing me, and the kids, to Blackpool. He was like a big kid, wanting to see the lights. I will never stop loving Phil. But I have Clive in my heart too. And Clive is here, now, real. He is the one I reach for in the night. He is the one I tell all my troubles to. But Phil will always be part of my life. Always.