Understanding

I had a comment from Omni to my last post. Thank you for your comment.

Omni said...

You need to do 2 things right away:

1) Delete this blog before Clive finds it.

2) Accept that you're obsessed with Phil's memory and get some therapy to help you overcome this before it consumes your life.

Isn't that what Phil would have told you to do?

xo

Firstly, I don't understand why you think I should hide my blog from Clive. He reads all my blogs, and sometimes even helps me write them. We have no secrets. Secondly, My life is not consumed by Phils memory. Yes, I think about him every day. But that is not all I think about. I certainly don't spend my entire day thinking of Phil. I don't need to. He will always remain in my heart and my mind. Just as Clive will. As you can see, I don't post in this blog often. Only when I feel I have something to say. Phil would never had wanted me to talk to any member of the medical profession about something which matters so little. And, as it was the medics that killed him by not doing their job properly, I wouldn't trust them to do anything. Phil would also have wanted me to be myself, not be what anyone else thought I should be.

Still as much in love

Each morning, when I wake up, the first thing I do is feel sad. Sad that I am not with Phil. That I lived through another night. Then I remember Clive, and I turn and hug him. Sometimes I wish I could stop feeling the way I do about Phil, but I know I never will. Phil was more to me then I could ever describe. My life was whole with him there, by my side.

I wonder if i will ever feel whole again? Will I ever reach the same level of love with Clive? No matter how much I would like to, I dont think I ever will.

Now

It was around this time of year, in 1994, that Phil first started showing symptoms from the thing which eventually led to his death. He was permenantly tired, didn't want to eat much, sweated far more then he used to. Throughout it al, he never stopped being the man I married. Sweet, sexy, romantic, loving, gentle, caring, generous. Even though he was in pain.

When I look back on that time, I feel I should have seen more of what was happening. I should have pushed him to find out exactly what was going on. How much pain he was in. I dont know that it would have made any difference. But I cant help but feel like I let him down. I know it was the medical proffession that let him down the most. With them it was a case of wave away the smoke, dont bother about putting the fire out! I mean, how the hell can you mistake a huge ulcer for adult colic!!!

I am dreaming more and more of Phil. This happens every year around now. And if things go as normal, I will dream about the night he died ON that night. I will see the entire night happening again. From me making the extra trip to the hospital with our daughter, just because I couldn't get the thought out of my head, through to getting the phone call to get to the hospital quickly. Right up to being told by the doctor that Phil was dead. My darling Phil. When I was told that, I turned round and hit the wall with my fist, so hard I actually split the skin over my knuckles. I had blood dripping from my hand but no one noticed. I didn't notice until I got in my car to drive away from the hospital. I will wake up with an intense feeling of loss. Even after 11 years the feeling is still exactly the same. So, I will wake Clive, and I will get him to just hold me. He will let me cry. He wont say anything. We go through this every year.

I am going to try to get back to Stoke on the anniversary of his death, to visit the crematorium and leave flowers. It's what I like to do. Phil insisted he wanted to be cremated so that I wouldn't have a grave to look after. But I almost wish I had gone against his wishes. And yet I know that it would have been harder for me to leave Stoke and move up here to Blackpool if I had. I would not have been able to leave his grave.

The move here has been the best thing I could have done. I know Phil would have approved. For one thing, he loved bringing me, and the kids, to Blackpool. He was like a big kid, wanting to see the lights. I will never stop loving Phil. But I have Clive in my heart too. And Clive is here, now, real. He is the one I reach for in the night. He is the one I tell all my troubles to. But Phil will always be part of my life. Always.

Today

The new comments on this blog made me sit and think for a while. About how Phil was when I was depressed. How he was always there for me. Always there to help. How he would do whatever needed doing. But how he would always, somehow, lighten my mood and help me get back to being as normal as i could. I wish, so much, that he was here now. I have not needed someone this badly for a long time. No, not someone, Phil! I need Phil. I need his arms round me, and his voice telling me it's okay. I need to hear his voice. I need Phil. I love Clive, but I need Phil. I'll never have him with me again. I miss him. every day I miss him.

The loss of a loved one.

Reading about the loss of the miners in WV has made me think a lot about Phil. I know the pain of losing a loved one without having the chance to say goodbye, or I love you. Phil died 5 minutes before they allowed me to see him. But at least I had an idea that he was dying. The families of those miners thought they were dead, then they were told they were alive, then they were told they were dead. How painful must that be. How terrible to have your heart ripped apart twice. in so short a time. Who can they blame? There is no one. At least I could blame the doctors and nurses. Life seems to be so fragile, no matter which side of the barrier you are on.

Life with Phil

Life was never dull with Phil around. We lived by few rules. But rule number one was "have fun". We laughed a lot, always. I wanted nothing more then to please Phil. If he was happy, then so was I. We didn't have much money, but that didn't seem to matter. We didn't need much as long as we had each other. We lived for each other, and the kids, and the dogs. Nothing else mattered. Life wasn't easy. But I always knew we would make it as long as I had Phil by my side.
When Phil was married to his first wife, Hazel, he was in the army. He was stationed in many places. But one he loved was Malta. He always wanted to go back. I promised that, if there was ANY way, we would go. I had an accident due to a poorly maintained road, and managed to get some compensation out of the local council. With that money I took Phil back to Malta. We went with some friends.I know it bought back memories for him. His first son, Andrew, was conceived in Malta. The following video is made from photos taken in Malta, and just after we got back from Malta. There are also some odd shots in it that you have seen before. But I hope to convey just how much I love Phil. Even now. The video is quite long. But I hope you will watch it all the way through. Also, please listen to the music. It means something. The first song, unchained melody was a song Phil used to sing to me, with his sweet baritone voice. I loved him singing. I could listen for ages.

Okay

I think I can go on now. I had a good cry. A REALLY good cry.


Phil was always great with kids. This pic is with one of my nephews. He hadn't stopped crying all day. He just wanted his Uncle Phip. All kids loved Phil. In fact I think EVERYONE loved Phil. I know I did.

Phil loved animals too. Here he is with Saab. One of our old German Shepherds.

Phil accepted my kids like they were his own. In fact, if anyone said he wasn't their dad he would have a real argument with them. He had kids of his own too. Phil had been married twice before. Was still married to his second wife when we met. But he didn't love her. Stayed with her just because the kids were there. His first wife commited sucide. Phil was in the army. Hazel couldn't cope with it all. But instead of talking to someone about it she killed herself and their youngest son, Kenny. Phil blamed himself. He loved Hazel. Always would. I accepted that. He married Connie on the rebound. Actually, Connie forced him really. He was in no state to think. She made all the arrangements and then turned up with him and told him he was marrying her. He did it for an easy life. Connie was almost evil. Ask her own kids. They would tell you. Not one of them went to her funeral when she died.

Phil would do anything for his kids. ANYTHING. I love that man so much.


Anyway, after a few years, when he got his divorce froem Connie we got married.



That his mother, May, and my mother, The Dragon.

No good. I cant write any more yet.

The beginning

I suppose I had better tell you it all. Right from the beginning. If I miss anything out I will feel wrong.

I used to see a married cab driver called Steve. I didn't know he was married when I first started to see him. And by the time I found out it was too late. Thats him. In the light suit.


He was a friend too. I only started seeing him because I was so lonely. He made me feel worth something again. Not much, but something.

Anyway. He used to pick me up whenever I needed a cab anywhere. I phoned him one evening and he said he couldn't pick me up, but he would send someone he could rely on. Someone he trusted. I waited. A cab pulled up outside. I got in. The driver asked me where I was going. I told him my home address. We started talking. He told me that Steve had told him a little about me. He asked if I was okay. I told him I wasn't really. I was feeling down. The trip to my house took maybe ten minutes. When we got outside my house we were still talking. I dont know why. I felt really comfortable with this guy. I thought it was maybe because Steve had sent him. I knew I was safe. But I felt something more. I didn't WANT to get out of the cab. And I knew he didn't want me to get out either. So we sat and talked. I cant remember what we talked about. Nothing and something I guess. But, six hours later I asked this guy if he wanted a coffee. He said okay. I took him into my house and made him a drink. EIGHT hours after that he said he better go. We had just been talking. I asked him if he had to go. He said to me "If I stay now, I stay forever". And he did. We were never apart until the week he died, and when my stepfather died and I had to go help my mother. For 14 years we were together. That was my Phil. This was Phil.

This photo was taken a few days before he died. He had bought Tippi for me a few weeks before. Thats Tippi as a pup, laying there on the chair with him.
Oh god. I am crying. Crying so hard I think my heart will burst. I miss Phil so much. It feels like someone is skinning me alive. Phil was so much a part of me. We were inseperable. We loved to be together. Just being in each others company was enough.

I have to take a break.

Phil.

I need to tell you all about my Phip. How much I love him. How much I miss him. How we met. Everything. This may be a long and boring blog to some, but to me, well, I dont know. I just know I need to do it. I really do. I dont know how long it will even take me to start. But I t will be today sometime. I just have to stop crying long enough so I can actually see what I am typing. Bear with me for now. Please.